Starting Fresh

Starting Fresh

Someone please explain to me how it’s in any way possible that every single freakin’ day of summer vacation was the longest, most relentless day of my life — yet somehow, someway, the whole thing flew by??  It makes no sense at all.

Even with my goals to have a sunshine filled, joyful, easy breezy beautiful one… this summer chewed me up and spit me out.  Or at least gnawed on me real good.  I honestly felt so broken as a parent some days, I wasn’t sure what to do. I tried my best to keep Stevie busy.

And I succeeded in avoiding E.Coli, so that was ace.

But man, I’m tired.  I struggled with a lot of emotions and frustrations and fears.  I yelled a lot and cried a lot. I often wondered if my stomach pains were from something I ate or maybe an ulcer flare-up.  I made goals to get my hormones tested and start meditating — BUT WHO HAS THE TIME.  I most certainly missed summer Jaana and the carefree days that seem too far gone to get back.

Why, you ask? What was so bad about this summer?  We had BBQ’s and s’mores and a couple beach days and visitors and Universal Studios and 2 weddings and a family reunion and the fair and play dates and mom nights and we got a new dog and holy crap, it pretty much sounds like the best summer ever!

So the only way I can explain it, is it might be the culmination of many hard summers, and many hard years, all piled up right on top of my shoulders.  It’s not just one thing Stevie does that frustrates me or a hard day with the kid here and there.  It’s years worth of hard days with some nice moments thrown in.  It’s years of trying to have fun doing all those things listed above, when it’s not really very fun at all because you’re battling tantrums and whining and so much nagging and repeating the same conversations so often that you feel like your head might actually explode.  It’s years of trying to teach someone who has ZERO CHILL how to just chiiilllll.  Please son, just chill out.  CTFO.

This was the first summer I lost my motivation to keep trying.  I’ve always been so excited to show Stevie new things.  And people would tell me “I don’t know how you do it!”  And I don’t really know either.  But this year, I didn’t do as much of it.  No museums or art walks or big adventures.  I didn’t have the energy.  I couldn’t force it anymore.  So I rolled over and begrudgingly played Hot Wheels day in and day out.

Tiny bit burnt, I suppose.

But waking up this morning, knowing that Stevie’s surgery was done and that school is starting, I had urges. For the first time in awhile. Like the feeling of a fresh start.  And as much as I hate that I’ve become someone who needs to live by a schedule, I am so excited that we will have one again!  I can’t help but get giddy to think that my beautiful boy is going to be at school for 5 hours a day — and I will finally have a chance to take care of myself again!

It sounds terribly selfish, I know that.  But it’s not! Hear me out on this. It’s not selfish when you look at the bigger picture. It’s for the good of the family. Because mothers who take care of themselves can turn around and take better care of their children and their spouse (and their dog and cat).  So I feel ready for that. And hopeful that it helps.  I need my energy back and the motivation to keep trying.  Because this kid needs me to.

After meeting Stevie’s endless demands all this time, I took the nerd route and actually made a list of things that I want to do.  Everything from taking a nap to organizing the garage.

I think I’ll stop blogging now and go get a mani/pedi, just get that one checked off the list. It’s for the good of the family, after all!

  1. I’m all for fresh starts in a long stream of fresh starts – I’m in a rut myself and totally understand your burn out.

  2. I’m new to your blog, found your capsule post on Pinterest. I am from Orange County and love Disneyland…we are both from SoCal.

    Thank you for this post and for your honesty.

  3. I’m literally reading this in my 2 year old’s dark bedroom (where I am held hostage because he will not “go the f to sleep”) and feeling really thankful to hear I’m not alone! It’s the truth- gotta take care of mom too! You’re incredible- thanks for the candidness & inspiration. Your leap in the air has some incredible height by the way!

    1. Oh my gosh, I love you. We have so been there – hostages in our own home!!! Haha. Thanks for the nice words <3

  4. Sometimes we all need to hear is that someone else has been there. And boy, have I been there! I put off caring for myself for years. I walked around with so much on my shoulders. I let it all pile on, and then watched it all fall apart. By the time I made me a priority my kids were teenagers and my marriage was over. Please take care of yourself, you need it. I love reading your blog. Your blog is one of three that I open first thing on Saturday mornings- my time to relax. I think you are smart, and funny. I love your style. I think you are an amazing mother. Stevie is too cute, and so is your husband! Keep up the good fight, and know that others are out there who care for you even if we haven’t met before.

    1. You have no idea how much I appreciate your supportive words. Thank you so much <3

  5. I hear you. It’s ok that you didn’t do so much this summer. You’re burnt and you needed the break. That does not make you a bad mom. If you pushed it I think it will not do you or your son good, because then you’ll both be whining, nagging and throwing tantrums. And you will end up resenting the whole thing and end up worse than when summer started. You’re on the right track, take care of yourself, make some ME time and enjoy the coming routine/schedule!

  6. I grew up with a much younger sister who was disabled. My dad stayed home to care for her. One thing my parents always impressed upon me was the importance of respite for the caregiver. It is absolutely not selfish! A critical part of being able to take care of someone else is taking care of yourself too.

    1. Oh Tiffany, you couldn’t be more right. It has taken me so long to sort of “accept” this, but I know, know, know it’s true! Thanks for the supportive words <3

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