You ready to talk about mental health? I always find it so interesting that my intentions with blogging come and go so easily. There is steady motivation for a period of time, excited to write again… until I’m not. I start to take more days off than I intend to. But this time around, it’s not so much that I’m not excited to write, but it’s that I’m MORE excited about something else. And that’s roller skating. LOL! I honestly can’t believe that I’m putting those words in print! But it really brings an inkling of happiness to my otherwise boring day. It honestly couldn’t have come around at a better time. I keep telling myself I wish I had started skating sooner. However, if I had, I don’t think it really would have gone anywhere.

This past year I have struggled with my mental health so much that I couldn’t really see myself enjoying skating — or anything, really. I know many of us were in that same boat. It finally got to the point where I had to get help. There was nothing in the day to look forward to. NOT ONE. SINGLE. THING. I stopped feeling music. I dreaded every little task. Worried too much. My introvert energy died off with no time to recharge. I didn’t even look forward to bedtime because I knew I’d just have to wake up and do this groundhog’s day all over again.

The depression part of it made me feel really self-critical. But it always came and went in waves, which made it easy to wish away and convince myself I was fine. Telling myself: I get all the things done I’m supposed to — exercise, keep the house clean(ish), shower, journal, make meals, go for hikes — what is the problem?? I couldn’t really see or admit how bad I felt until starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shockingly, I’m learning that this may have been going on a lot longer than I realized. A bit of high-functioning depression with a strong side of anxious.

So my doctor started me on a small dose of Lexapro a couple months ago and needless to say, I’m feeling some relief. After only a week, my husband started to notice and mentioned a difference in my overall vibe. I have to admit there are still have plenty of days where I’m overwhelmed and anxious. I don’t know what that means yet. Perhaps they are just human, grown-up emotions I have to deal with. But at least the wheels are turning and moving in the right direction.

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I have never really shied away from getting deep and personal here, but this makes me feel self-conscious to discuss. Like I’m revealing too much. Sharing about parenting challenges can often be wrapped up in a nice, little bow. At the end of the day, we all love our children anyway. But in this case, at the end of the day, can I love myself anyway?? It’s often easier not to share at all. Nobody wants to be THAT GUY. The downer, complainer. But I also can’t portray someone who’s doing great all the time. I think giving off that appearance is appealing in a lot of ways, especially for certain platforms. While deep down we all know everyone struggles, it’s nice to hear about it once in awhile too. If only for the reassurance that we’re not alone.

So I am not feeling fun, motivated, or joyful the past couple months by any natural means. It’s not spontaneous. Skating is only enjoyable because of the help I’m getting. I’m working through my social anxiety because of the help I’m getting. And therapy starts soon too! Mental health care is new for me, and I am processing a lot. Even though I feel like a fail in so many ways, it is a positive thing. I’m feeling so fortunate that I’ve been given a tiny slice of freedom from whatever is happening right now. I’ll keep working on it, and I hope if you are feeling lost right now, you remember that it’s normal to not feel normal.

Anyway, enough about me. Hope you find some joy this week. Sending loving energy to those who need it.

loves,
jaana